This is the most difficult piece I have ever written for my blog. I have been dragging my feet because I was scared to write this. Scared of what it would bring up for me, scared for what other people may think, and scared what this may bring up for them. And with those reasons stated and reflecting on them more, I realized, it was time to write this beast.
Grief. I hate it. Period. Missing someone has got to be one of, if not, the worst feeling in the world. One could be grieving because a loved one has passed, loss of a job, a break up, graduating, moving, etc. Grief is not just about death. Grief is about the feelings and process of loss. I have never been the biggest fan of the word “grief”. The word seems too nice and soft for what the feelings of loss all entail. The word grief to me is like you walk into this cute, little bakery and you tell the baker you are feeling terribly sad and down and would like a treat to help make you feel better. The baker suddenly says “Oh, our special today is our freshly baked cupcakes made with grief”. Grief is the new Vegan or Crossfit. Everybody is doing it in some way, some just talk about it more than others. Anyway, the baker hands you this nice, perfectly-sized cupcake with a perfect swirl of pink frosting on top with sprinkles (you know, for flair). You take the cupcake and think “Ok, I feel anywhere on the spectrum of ok, to little yucky to horrible at all different times, but grief has to go away at some point, right? I am eating this cupcake”. You take a bite of the adorably-crafted “grief” cupcake with its perfect pink frosting and you realize, it’s a bran muffin. The cupcake is a friggin’ bran muffin. And you are pretty sure that you are going to spend the rest of your life biting into what you think are perfectly good cupcakes, but they are ALL BRAN MUFFINS. Please excuse my comedic approach if it is not your cup of tea, but I had to think of something so out there to shed a little light on this grim topic for my own sake. I hate talking about loss and grief, and I talk about feelings all the time at my job and when deep conversation arises with friends or family. But when it comes to loss, I tend to hide out at the grief bakery, alone, biting into pseudo-cupcake bran muffins. This post was titled “Grief Monster” for a reason. Referring to grief as a monster is the best way I can describe it. What do you think of when you hear the word monster? You may think of a creature that is ugly, frightening, it is found in places people do not want to go, like dark closets and cages. My personal experiences with grief have been all over the board and have happened at different times in my life. From my personal journey, reading some research, and hearing others experiences with grief, these two things stick out the most for me. 1. There is no grief checklist of here is what you feel for first and it will be for this long and then you will feel this. Nope. There is not timeline or specific sequence of feelings. You could be doing great, then suddenly, three years later, you hear that song, or smell that smell, a special date or anniversary comes up and boom. Just like that. You get T-boned by the semi-truck of feels. And whatever you feel in that moment is truly ok and valid. You might cry, or you might not. Your body will do what it needs to do. The main take-away from this is, trust your process, go through your process (counselors say it all the time and we do because it. Is. TRUE.), and support others through their process. No matter how it looks or is. This may mean you have to set some boundaries and be open with your feelings and experiencing new ones. This is scary as all get out, but man, do you grow! 2. To put it bluntly, you gotta get in the cage with the monster and make it your camp, your turf. Instead of running from the bulls, walk side by side with them. From my own experiences, the more I tried to lock grief away and simply throw away the key with an “I’m ok” or shame myself by thinking “why am I not over this” or “why do I still feel this way”? the worse it is. I realized in my grief process, I have put band aids over bullet holes, hoping they would close. They didn’t. I do not necessarily believe in closure. However, I do believe that sometimes things live in your life differently than maybe they once were. For example, when my friend, Jarod, passed away 3 years ago, I will admit, I would come home from work or class and lay on my couch. I would cry on and off. I have never felt that numb and shocked in my life. This went on for about a solid week. As time went on and I kept going through my process (along with support from amazing family and friends), I got off my couch and things got better. Now, when I think about Jarod, I picture him sitting next me in my car, smiling, and sometimes I cry a little and sometimes I don’t. I think of all the magic that was our friendship and all the good times with all our friends. He lives on in my life, just in a different way now. We live in a go-go, busy-busy, instant gratification world. We want it now and if there is a bump in the road we want to get over it fast. I feel that this do more, be busy, get over it mentality is what is slowing us down and making us crappy, less connected humans. When feeling trapped in the grief monster’s cage, that is when it is time to slow down, get re-centered and remember the key to the monster’s cage is always in your pocket. You can come and go as you please. To all those out their grappling with their own grief monsters, big or small, you are not alone. The key is in your pocket. Own your truth and story. Do you and don’t be afraid to use it. And if you are afraid to use it, find a buddy, reach out to a church community, find a counselor, talk to your doctor, talk to a family, friend, neighbor, whoever. Reach out. If we are going to put as much life into our living, we gotta be brave together.
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AuthorMy name is Olivia. I am woman, daughter, sister, friend, and counselor. I just want to put love in the world. Archives
October 2018
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