Hello out there! I apologize for my absence for awhile! My life seems to be packed with changes recently and I have been surfing through those changes as best I can. Some of these changes have been good and some have certainly presented themselves as challenging. This leads to my blog today. Originally, I was hoping to have my next blog be on the topic of anger, but there still is some more research I would like to do before publishing. So, hang on if you really want to talk about anger! What actually brings this post this evening is the spirit moved me to write tonight and I have been reflecting a lot on a conversation I recently had with a good friend about hope.
I openly admit, I sometimes grapple and struggle with hope. As much as I am a happy, smiley, spread the love and laughs person, I can truly be stuck in the trenches where the glass is always half empty. I work my ass off and things still don't get better, I put my love out there only to have it denied or not be enough. This hurts. Period. For anyone. And the last thing I want to do is talk about the silver lining because frankly, I am mad. Then for being mad and not hopeful, I guilt myself. This process, I realized, does not lead to hope, healing, or happiness, or even "okayness". This process leads straight to shame. Thankfully, shame and I do not have quite the intimate relationship we used to have. Shame still visits sometimes, but his stay is not long anymore. I have gotten a lot better at preparing my head and my heart when shame comes knockin' at my door. In reflecting on this process, this is what I have come to realize. Hope is going to look different for people. Hope for me, is not going to be magical fairy dust that sits in a jar and I can go open the jar and oooo! sparkly hope fills the air! I have seen the light! It will get better! Maybe the fairy dust jar is how someone else may look at hope and it inspires them and fills them up. Awesome! I hope it does. My version of hope is allowing myself to feel the anger, the disappointment, the hurt, and each day, beginning to see that glimmer of hope and do things. Do things that have either worked in the past or things that I have never done before. Hope for me is going to be reminding myself to breathe. Hope for me is going to be reminding myself that I am worthy of love no matter what. Hope for me is grounding. Hope for me is choosing to bloom where I am planted, no matter what that process looks like. What I have learned about hope this week, is that hope is not something that just happens. It is an active process. If you need someone to share your hope process with, you know how how to contact me. Thank you so much for allowing me to share mine. Here is to hope, love, and light. Olivia
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AuthorMy name is Olivia. I am woman, daughter, sister, friend, and counselor. I just want to put love in the world. Archives
October 2018
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