This is something I have been thinking about writing for a while now. At first, I was not sure how this would manifest. I am never sure how any of my blog posts will ever manifest and I have come to realize this process that I used to dread, is now one I have come to appreciate. So, without further ado, I present the first installment of the Guilt, Shame, and Unpopular Opinions series written by yours truly. In this series, I will be talking about specific topics and sharing some brain food on guilt and shame. Along with this, I will be sharing my own perspectives and experiences from my own life’s journey thus far. Some of my opinions may not be popular with the mainstream or even yours, but that is ok. This is how we learn, connect, and make things better, my friends.
A quick disclaimer: If you know me personally, you know that in the way I speak and the way I write, it is authentic and from the heart, always. However, something that is not always on display is me feeling angry. I do not like feeling angry, I hate how it feels physically in my body and soul. I feel one of the reasons for this is I felt angry for a significant period of time in my younger years and that was a lot for a little girl to carry, but where I am now, I now know how BA that little girl was. I see other BA little kids and I know of other BA little girls and boys who grew up into BA adults. A lot of them are my close friends. Now, being BA does not mean you are angry or aggressive. Being BA is owning your truth and part of that truth sometimes is anger. BA people continue to get a tighter grip on understanding themselves so they can share their gifts, talents, zest, and love to others. (If you do not know what BA stands for, google it). So, what I am saying is, I am going to challenge myself here in this series to really let it fly. You have been warned, sorry not sorry? Is that a good start? I don’t know. Spoiler Alert! I am not always a bucket of rainbows! Here we go! First, lets talk about the difference between guilt and shame. They are two different things. Brene’ Brown does a fantastic job talking about this in her published works and speaking on her TEDX. Check her out on YouTube. So, here it is. Guilt is where you feel bad because you made a mistake or did something wrong. Shame is where you feel bad because you made a mistake or did something wrong because you are wrong, you are a mistake, there is something wrong with you. Shame is a nasty beast. Shame is going to a kickboxing class, you tie on the gloves, and start taking swings. Then, you realize, the punching bag is yourself and you feel horrible. In the world of weight, fitness, and self-image, guilt can snowball into shame quickly. From the language we use and hear, to the images we see, to our personal experiences, the shame game is real. So, there is the difference between guilt and shame. Now, moving on along to another scary topic. Weight. I am going to start this introduction off as blunt as possible. I HATE TALKING ABOUT WEIGHT! There I said it, out loud, on the paper. The topic of weight has been on on-going narrative in my life. And it has been super annoying the majority of the time. I have never been the thin, skinny girl. I felt like I was always pretty average, but as I got older, the vocabulary around weight changed. I was “Thick”, “Curvy”, “a Woman’s Shape”, “Hourglass figure,” “Thunder Thighs”, “Could lose a few pounds”. Outside of my own experience identifying as a female, I know the vocabulary on weight changes for men as well. “Husky”, “Built like a linebacker”, “Big guy”, “Buddha Belly”, “Man-boobs”, “Beer Belly/Keg vs. 6 pack-abs”, “Dad-bod”. I also heard a man say once “I am sick of being the funny, fat guy at the party”. We are taught that words like “fat” are bad and is an ultimate insult. Words unfortunately get used as weapons sometimes by children, teenagers, and adults alike. I feel that all of us in some way, shape, or form have been constricted by the barriers of some of the quoted words above or a fickle stereotype. It is extremely difficult to break these chains once they are cast upon us. But, we can. It is remembering that the key to the cuffs is always in our pocket and through kindness and support, we can help someone else unlock a little bit as well. As a society, we focus a lot on physical appearance. And of course, looking at or even admiring someone’s physical appearance is natural and human nature. However, I feel the amount of merit and importance that is placed on how someone’s body looks, especially their weight, is straight up bogus. We are constantly bombarded with photoshopped images of “beautiful people”, fad diets, new exercise programs, no carb, low carb, keto, shakes, high protein, and so on. This gets overwhelming and frankly, can sometimes be a complete load of crap. The fitness and weight loss industry is a multi-billion dollar industry year to year. That is insane! Who feeds this industry? We do. Sometimes, in good ways, nothing wrong with getting a gym membership or trying out a fitness class or new foods, but also sometimes we feed this industry in bad ways. This industry wants your money just like any other business and will use tactics that play off unrealistic images and low self-esteem to sell a product or program that will “change your life” so they can make a buck. The bottom line is you are the best product out there. It is time kindness to ourselves and others fuels both our physical and mental health. So, where are you going with this, Liv? Well, here it is. Over the summer, I lost 15 pounds. This was my choice. I wanted to improve my health, learn more about lifting, and get back into Zumba (I was instructor for 2 years). Now, here comes the guilt, shame, and unpopular opinions part. Towards the end of the summer, it almost felt like everyone noticed all at once. I was told how great I looked, followed by a “Oh, not that you didn’t look good before”. Then came questions. “Did you lose weight, inches? How much?”, “What are you doing?”. Even when I would come home from college, I was asked mainly 2 questions: "You look good, what are you doing"? and "Do you have a boyfriend? Any boys at school"? and I would politely respond with the truth that I did Zumba, played tennis, and no, I do not have a boyfriend". However, there were times when what I really wanted to say was "NOPE, but wanna hear about the research project I am doing right now? Or wanna hear about the sweet shot I nailed playing beer-pong one time cuz that like never happens for me"?! (It was college ok? I am not saying it was right). Now, I am not writing this to make others feel guilty for saying something to me. I understand that these statements come from a good place and people were happy for me. This actually at times served as a segue of people sharing with me their own journeys and even struggles, which I was humbled by. I always feel honored and humbled when someone shares something with me that they may not always display publicly. Just know, dear reader, whatever you have to bring to the table, I am not afraid of it. Thanks for not being afraid of my stuff with me too. No one has any right to judge someone else because we all got stuff and we all have stories, baby! Here comes the shame part for me. Another disclaimer, I fully own and realize that some of this is my stuff that I continue to work through. When approached about my weight loss, instead of feeling happy or accomplished, I felt ashamed. I felt bad that this was the first thing people noticed about me when seeing me. The “not enough” monster moved in next door and his dog took a massive poo on my front lawn. Guess who has to clean that one up? Let me tell ya some of the turds that I had pick up in my brain; “I wonder what people thought about me before”, “I bet that’s why he left me”, “I wonder how I looked in my clothing before”. I was haunting myself with “What if’s” and “I wonder’s”. This sucks. And this is not the first time I have played this tortuous game with myself. Once an insecure thought is triggered, it can be easy to fall into this emotional, mind-boggling bear trap. For awhile in our culture, one of the nicest compliments you could give to a woman was “Oh, you lost weight”! A lot of the people who asked me about my weight loss were from a different generation than myself, so they truly were trying to give me a compliment. Some people may like this, but for me personally, I would prefer this to be addressed in a different way or even not at all because I hope others choose to see more than my appearance. And the funny thing is, my close friends did not say a thing. Maybe they noticed and maybe they did not. Bottom line is my friends love me no matter what, support me in good times and bad, and encourage me to go for it! Whatever it is! (Thank you from the bottom of my heart and you know who you are 😊). I have literally heard people talk about weight my whole life, it really has been exhausting. Now, one could say “Liv, don’t be so sensitive”. However, I could say “Sure, but maybe you should put a little more thought and compassion into what you say before you say it or ask because you don’t know someone’s history, journey they are on, or even a battle they are fighting”. Not only should you put yourself if someone else’s shoes, you should run around the block in them a few times. Just something to think about. We still live in a world where there is a lot of speaking before thinking or listening for that matter. Growing up, I had a lot of examples of strong, kind, powerful, compassionate, beautiful inside and out women, however, I did not know a woman who loved her body or was not self-conscious about their body in some way. This always made me feel sad because I love these women. This is part of the reason I love Wonder Woman so much. Her character was designed to represent all women. When I saw her on the cover of one of the New 52 DC comics, I thought she was gorgeous. She had big ol’ thighs, big ol’ red boots’, and she did not give a flying American flag what you thought about her! What must that be like?! I saw a glimpse of a body that resembled mine in some ways and I felt hope that I could been seen, strong, respected, and loved for exactly who I am. And that starts with loving me first. People lose or gain for what several different reasons. It could be medical, personal, someone could be training for an athletic event or just want to work on their health overall. The bottom line is you might approach me about my weight loss differently if you knew that I considered buying SlimFast shakes and hiding them from my parents in high school. Or that I thought about getting liposuction when I was 17 because I hated my thighs and the way I looked so much. Maybe you would approach someone’s weight loss or gain differently if you knew he or she struggles with an eating disorder. Maybe you would approach someone’s weight loss differently if you knew they were just starting a new medication or maybe they have experienced a loss and/or are dealing with high amounts of stress or is depressed. Weight loss does NOT equal automatic happiness. “Health isn’t just what you are eating, it’s what you are thinking and what you are saying”. It is not about fitting into a certain size or certain number on the scale. Let me say this more time, “Health isn’t just what you are eating, it’s what you are thinking and what you are saying”. It can be difficult to put yourself first, especially if you are person who is an empath by nature, a parent, or someone who takes care of others in their job or in life in general. In the words of the great Maya Angelou, “When you know better, you do better”. Get to know yourself. Both mental and physical health are important. Approach everything and everyone with unconditional love, including yourself. It’s ok to eat the cookie or drink a beer. Do what makes you happy. Support each other. Be seen being exactly you. That is the secret and that is not a secret that we should be keeping from ourselves. Be a person who knows better, so we all can do better. Please feel free to leave me a comment or if you would like to discuss something further, message me. Thanks for reading! Love and Light, Liv
1 Comment
Patti Wetzel
12/31/2017 02:27:32 pm
When I was working as a RN I was surprised at the amount of people that thought being thin meant being healthy. Alcoholics and drug addicts are generally thin, as are some people with eating disorders and they were very unhealthy people. When did this change? Renascence paintings, 1940,s bombshells have very full-figures-what sparked the change?
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AuthorMy name is Olivia. I am woman, daughter, sister, friend, and counselor. I just want to put love in the world. Archives
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